Yesterday I attended a wedding of a good business friend. We don’t know each other as well, for as long or as deeply as many of the other guests, but we had made a good connection. I headed out in the morning with 2 changes of clothing, the pie I was asked to bring, the bubbles I purchased to help with the festivities and my camcorder. I was aware of, but not paying too much attention to, the fact that I may know only one other person at this wedding of about 100 guests, no mean feat for an Introvert. However, over the years I’ve become more comfortable in stranger situations and confident I’d find my way around so I wasn’t worried.
I invited – I mean volunteered – my husband to join me in the afternoon after the reception ended to help prepare for the evening’s celebration. Crowd situations for him are a little worse than for me. In addition to being introverted, he has a ringing in his ear (tinnitus) that makes it very difficult for him to hear people in noisy situations. Plus, he knew not a single person at the party, not even the bride.
Getting to the house a couple of hours before the evening party began, we worked with a few other people to prepare the house and put the food out before the first guests arrived. Once the party began my husband stationed himself in the kitchen as the chief heater of the hors d’oeuvres. This put him in just the right place. With something to do, and a little distance from the center of activity and noise, rather than navigating crowds he was visited by people one by one. The kitchen was his kingdom. On our way home he reported having a much better time than he would ever have expected.
Having met and chatted with a few of the guests and family members earlier in the day at the wedding (fantastic, warm, open people), I was comfortable moving around the evening crowds, talking here and there and otherwise keeping the bread basket full and my camcorder periodically engaged. Even so, I could most certainly feel my energy for gab waning as the evening wore on. I became aware of the downturn when I realized I had no interest in meeting any more new people, or even chatting much with people I’d already met.
I had a similar experience at the wedding reception earlier in the day too. When my husband arrived we took a much welcomed break and enjoyed a private afternoon meal with each other. Even though I could have easily enjoyed a nice long nap too, the break with my husband (someone with whom it is easy to be quiet) helped restore my reserves.
As at Weddings So in Networking?
It occurs to me that our experiences at the wedding and reception hold clues to successful networking for Introverts. Yes, moving comfortably around a crowded room can be draining. After all, how long can one Introvert keep smiling and OUTPUTTING? But, it doesn’t have to be impossible.
1. Go out often enough so that you become more and more comfortable and confident over time. Fear and resistance can significantly diminished the more often you go out. Your confidence goes up the more often you do.
2. Find out if there is some way you can be of service so that your networking is enveloped in a useful activity. If you just can’t deal with the open ended “nice to meet you, what do you do?” gab, volunteer to sit at the check in table. This puts you behind a desk with a task to do, and at the same time, the opportunity to meet many people.
3. Bring your camera or camcorder with you. Volunteer to take pictures or just start taking them. Then share the pictures with the program or event leaders. (I’m the only person who shot video of the actual wedding ceremony.) It gives you a natural way to participate, and to pace yourself too. Just be sure to smile and say hello to people, too. Then see who approaches you.
4. Pace yourself. If it’s a marathon event build in breaks. Step away from the activity, go outside for a walk. While you’re at it, why not invite someone to join you?
5. Try to be true to your instincts. Worry less about always feeling comfortable about what to say all the time, or the pressure to be on. If you look around and don’t see someone you want to talk to, don’t force yourself. Take a seat and watch the activity for a while, or just walk around until you do see an opening in a group, or another single person who, like you, has no one to talk to at the moment. Make eye contact, and if you see the invitation, say hello. Always start with hello.
Epilogue – How I handled an Awkward Beginning
After delivering the bubbles to the wedding coordinator before people started to arrive, I actually went back to my car and sat there until enough guests arrived that I felt comfortable going in. I had decided that I did not want to be among the first. I didn’t argue against my inclination; I allowed it and trusted it.
When I was ready to go in and entered the pre-wedding reception room, I was surprised to see someone I’d actually met a few times at networking events, so I chatted with him first. After a couple of minutes we broke off from our conversation and independently moved around the room again. I wandered for a short period of time not sure where to land next. I finally noticed a group of 3 people talking, made eye contact with one person, and simply asked if it would be OK to join them. Their answer was a resounding yes. It took a few minutes before I had anything to say, and I let that be OK too. From that point on the rest of the event unfolded with relative ease.
I feel that if I were see any of these previous “strangers” again in another situation, we’d have a lovely, shared memory and connection to build upon. It was a rich, happy, lovely experience I’d happily repeat again.
March 11th, 2011 
Joan Friedlander 
